Embracing The Mess — Honoring Life’s Journeys
My husband and I have been wanting to live in the mountains for some time now. We love the outdoors, and I love how big sky views can make me feel small while also connecting me to the grandiosity of Nature. When Forest received a job offer in Salt Lake City a few days before our wedding, we knew we had to seize the opportunity.
Since then, we’ve packed up the majority of our apartment. Forest left March 1st to start his new job, and I don’t leave until the end of March, so I’ve been alone in our nearly empty apartment with some loose items and furniture I still have to deal with. Living with the chaos and all the associated emotions has been a journey. I've been feeling stressed and anxious at the state of clutter and upheaval in my home, I'm frustrated with my husband that our plans worked out in such a way that I'm alone here for a month in this mess (and I've lashed out at him in ways he doesn't deserve), I'm grieving having to say goodbye to St. Pete, and I'm feeling sadness at every item that I have to choose to keep or get rid of. I'm processing all the old memories that are flooding in. I haven't been taking care of myself, I've been stress eating a lot and watching too much TV, and I've been really critical of myself for my lack of patience towards Forest and for my tendency to shut down emotionally when stressed.
Not only am I living in this heightened emotional state, I am also living with cockroaches. They are my unwanted constant companions. This is life in Florida. I live in a wood apartment complex that was built in the 80s, so bugs are just part of the deal. That being said, I don't love it. OBVIOUSLY.
During one particularly hard day, I decided to sit with mushroom medicine. The spirit of this beautiful medicine showed me that the mess in my apartment is merely a reflection of my own inner emotional turmoil. I get inundated when I have strong feelings and tend to want to avoid sitting with them. This phase of moving, of clutter and boxes piling up, is a mirror reflection of how I process things internally, and it is forcing me to confront my demons. Gaia showed me that letting go of everything is an important part of learning to face my internal landscape with greater love and compassion.
The mushroom journey also showed me that the cockroaches are my shadow spirit for this journey, as they reflect the ugliness that I don’t want to face within myself. I don't like that I'm sensitive, I hate that I stress eat, I'm pissed at myself for getting mad at my husband, why do I get so flippin' emotional?? etc. etc. Aversion is a powerful teacher, as it shows us what we are not seeing, not feeling, not facing, not loving.
Gaia said to me: “There is beauty in the mess, in the fragile nature of it all. Look at your home---at the chaos, the disarray, the cockroaches---without judgment, without resistance. To see the beauty of it all, that is what it means to see through the eyes of God. And to take that beauty inside you and integrate it fully, that is what it means to commune with God.”
Not long after this experience, I was sitting in meditation. With a candle flickering by my side and the smoke of incense rising in the air, I set the intention to sit with my own darkness, to hold space for it with love and compassion. At that very moment, a cockroach emerged from the closet. Crawling along the carpet, she was the biggest cockroach I’d ever seen. I smiled as if seeing an old friend. She was the manifestation of my intention. She was saying “Here I am! Your darkness. Can you love me?” And I chose to do so. I witnessed her with love. In observing her without judgment, I was able to create space for greater love and acceptance of myself.
With Gaia's love and support, I've since made the commitment to no longer self-medicate. I'm proud of myself that I am now 4 years sober from alcohol, and yet I'm realizing that sobriety is not about any particular substance (although boundaries with certain addictions are healthy). Sobriety is about sitting with my experience and not running from it. Anything can be an addiction when we are using it to numb, hide, or avoid. My new sober commitment is that I will still enjoy food, but only when I'm hungry and I'll stop when I'm full. I will still watch movies (I love movies), but only for entertainment, not avoidance. I will still scroll through my phone, but only when it feels healthy and balanced. Whenever I feel stressed, overwhelmed, fearful or anxious, I vow to stop and sit with my experience. I will meditate, journal, phone a loved one, go for walks, scream into a pillow, drink tea, sit with plant medicine---whatever feels right and accessible at the moment. No more running.
Our true power lies in our ability to be fully present with our experience, without wanting to suppress it, judge it, or change it. Only once we've done this can we gain insights into the next best step for us. This is how we gain the skills and strength to be more loving and present with others too.
What are you struggling with right now? Where is there judgment or aversion? Can you integrate your experience with love and compassion? Can you see the blessings and the beauty of it all? It is a practice, often an imperfect one, but you are deeply worthy of the peace and strength that it brings.
