Grieving Lost Opportunities
When we are young and are first discovering ourselves and the world around us, life feels full of possibilities. The sky is the limit, and our dreams are rich, varied, and full. Our bucket lists are long, and it feels as though we have all the time in the world to see everything we want to see, do everything we want to do, and become who we feel destined to become.
Then we grow older. With each passing year, possibilities tend to dwindle due to changes in circumstance. Perhaps we take a huge financial hit which cancels out—at least for a while—our dream of owning a home. Maybe we suffer an accident or autoimmune condition which affects our mobility, and now we have to let go of our hope of becoming a professional athlete. Or it could be a tragic health diagnosis for a beloved parent, and you give up your dream of moving to Hawaii in favor of moving closer to home so you can spend every last minute with your loved one.
This is what it means to be human. Life is about the choices we make, how they shape our story and create our future. Some choices are easy to make, others are much harder, and others still are made for us by fate, loss, and death.
When a dream, vision or possibility is lost due to changing circumstance, a closed door stands in its place. Staring at that closed door can bring with it feelings of sadness, grief, anger, and disappointment. After all, closed doors remind us of our mortality. Lost opportunities are reminders that we live in a finite reality, and we don’t have all the time in the world to do everything we dreamt of.
So what do we do when faced with a closed door? First, we have to face the grief that comes from the contraction of our world. Things feel smaller. We may rage against reality, live in denial, lash out at our circumstances or at others. We have to face this grief because if we sweep our emotions under the rug, they will rear their ugly head later in much harsher ways, or they’ll manifest in the body as sickness. Staring at a closed door, a lost dream, is like staring into a black hole. Looking into the void, into the heart of darkness means facing our greatest fears: We will not live forever. We are not invulernable. Neither are those we love most. And yet, on the other side of the dreary blackness lies acceptance, and ultimately empowerment. Better to look your demons in the eye than to allow them to haunt you sight unseen.
Following grief and disappointment is acceptance. When we accept what we have lost, we can arrive at a sense of peace. We are no longer fighting or resisting reality. We have surrendered to the present moment. With this surrendering a beautiful thing happens—-all of a sudden we move our attention away from what is no longer possible, and turn our eyes to the horizon and can see, for the first time, all the new possibilities that are created out of loss. New doors appear where before we saw only walls. When we let go of resistance, we return to a state of open-mindedness and creative potential. We may no longer be able to live the life we envisioned, but now a whole new life becomes possible, and this life is just as full of joy, purpose, and love.
Perhaps a new business opportunity will present itself, and that dream home becomes possible once again. Maybe you find the right doctor and physical therapist to help you work through your body’s injuries, and you realize there are other sports that your body can participate in. You find a renewed sense of purpose in becoming the caretaker of your sick parent. And if the closed door that you are faced with is the death of a loved one, then perhaps over time you learn to redefine the relationship, to find new ways of connecting with their spirit, and the love you have for them is reinterpreted and born anew.
Being human is a dance of gains and losses, of birth and death, growth and contraction. Be compassionate towards yourself as you navigate these changing cycles.
No one said it would be easy, but you are strong enough. And this dance of life can be so full of bliss.
You’ll see.
